Lose yourself this little while,
In books, poetry, art and smile,
Only to realise what you’ve been missing all this time.
So, we are back at it? That too after so long…
I thought I got over you way back, dumped you somewhere in the distant past, but you had to come again right, after all, you can’t see me living without a tinge of you, can you?
Your existence has in a way poisoned my existence; it has cut deep bruises inside, the kind of bruise which is invisible but livid and any day more painful than any other gigantic hideous bruise. I don’t get it, I just don’t understand, why do you have to keep resurfacing always? Why do you have to over analyze my actions or criticize me till I feel useless, why?
Why do you have to pounce upon me on every weakness? Why can’t you just let it be for once, accept me the way I am or just simply go away. I loathe your presence around me; I don’t like how I get when you are with me. You play with my mind; you channelize my actions and my flow of thought. You make me feel like an imposter in my own body.
I always feel myself being withheld and being judged when you cloud me. You bring me in this position always, you are scared to let me live and to let me be free. You always capture me when I am going to do something new just to laugh at my abilities. I don’t remember a single time when you have appreciated me, when you gave me a push and a blessing to do something good.
I remember conquering you and bidding you goodbye, but then, you still came back, you keep coming at every opportunity you get, I just don’t get it, will you ever go? I have tried so hard to get rid of you fully and completely. I even succeeded in the past months but here you came back again, just at this one opportunity of weakness and kept reprimanding me for the actions I’ve done all my life.
When I think of you and me together, all I imagine is walking into dark cold forest trying to find me, looking here and there to find something familiar, and then suddenly, there is no ground beneath me and I fall. I fall deep, deep down, I land hard on the damp soil and I can’t see a thing and I am helplessly kicking my legs trying to get out of it or get a grip but I cannot. I’m just lost yet again in this well of suffering, misery, and pain,
And the only question I keep asking myself is,
Will this ever end?
Every year is different in its own way, sometimes you have good years and sometimes you have bad years. Sometimes you have a year that is so mundane it kind of passes you by without having any great effect on anything. Sometimes you have years that are so life affirming that you cannot afford to not pay attention to it.
Earlier this morning, I was trying to arrange the pieces of 2015 in my mind to conclude the year and to give it a tag, whether it was good or bad but then, I vividly remember how my year flew by, it just went, so swiftly and this is totally in contrast with the preceding two years that I had. I still clearly remember parts of 2013 and 2014 impacting my life greatly, changing me in a way I never thought it would. 2015 has been a strange one. It has probably been the most non roller coaster year of my life; it had no great ups or any particular downs. It was just more or less constant. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad, but I feel it was maybe a very necessary pause in my life in which I needed to sort a lot of things out to get everything back in place and to just chill.
I didn’t have any vacation this year but it was relaxing in its own way; I have gone off tangent a lot many times than I thought I would. I have tried so many new things this year. The best thing was that I gave myself a lot of time. I went on treks and cycling trips, I binged on desserts, I read innumerable books, I started my first research project and so much more. It was more like a self pampering year, where you just enjoy every bit of life. I also found my love for baking in 2015, the love which is forcing me to rethink my life choices. What a transition! From being a studious nerd to an aspiring baker, sounds too sad to my parents apparently. As clichéd as this may sound after this very year, I do feel like I know myself better and I feel much more happier.
I didn’t learn any great life lessons this year, so I don’t have anything new to boast about but I learnt just one thing that breaks are necessary for implementing the old life lessons that you have got, where you put everything in line and just enjoy life putting all the complications aside. However, I wouldn’t deny that it doesn’t get boring at times, it does. How much ever one craves for a simple non complicated life, over a period of time we want some complications, some miniscule drama to add some spice in life.
Well, in all honesty, I wouldn’t want 2016 to be anything like 2015, but to be more like a roller coaster taking me on a ride of numerous upswings and downswings, thus making my life a little more interesting perhaps and somehow I know it will be so.
In the end, I wish you all A very happy new year.
Everything was so distorted but yet so normal that time. It didn’t seem wrong as I didn’t know what was right but then I found you and you made me realize what focus feels like. Your attainment helped me find some clarity in my life and striving for you made me feel so enthusiastic and energetic at the same time. There is clear vision, a sight which I want to cherish all my life. People call you ‘Aim’ or ‘Goal’ but for me, you’re the ultimatum, the destination where I will get the power to be myself and the power to bring about a change.
The path seems tricky but then that makes it fulfilling. It is way too lucid for my mind. I like feeling this way but then, somewhere I miss the adrenaline rush to do something new. To see other paths and visit a few, but then, there is a fear, what if my clarity diminishes? What if I never find a way to get back? What if the running time leaves me behind flowing ahead with the goal of my life? Will I be able to chase it? All these questions bombard inside and make me decide to stay on the safer side until I reach there, the starting path of my dream life.
I can’t help but wonder at times, what would life be like, if I would have the super natural power of doing various things at the same time without compromising on any at any point of time. This thought seems so enchanting and attractive but then, maybe, I will get so busy that I will end up forgetting myself in the midst of doing things. I won’t be able to cherish any achievement or anything because I will know, there is always a possibility of more and more.
Whoever made us is smart in many ways; he thought through and made us this way, where we can either be the jack of all traits or the master of one.
I feel all almighty and powerful as I hold your freedom in my hand, even though you are meant to fly. Your obsequious behavior is enchanting to me; I certainly can’t set you free. Your wings are my part now; a subtle hold on them makes me strong now, but till when? Till when will I stop you, till when will I cage you? There will be this one day when you will fly off leaving me all by myself.
My heart wrenches thinking the same, the control I have on you makes me feel better about myself. I like the feeling of suppressing, the feeling of being the master of your doings but why do I wish to alleviate this pleasure? It sometimes sickens me but my addiction for the same tricks me to follow it.
The duality of the situation says either I should grasp you much hard or just leave you to fly by your own self, to explore your own world and your own land but then I fear that you will fall, someday hard. Who will be there to pick you up then? I will possibly be long gone.
But then they say, Dangerous freedom is better over peaceful slavery any day.
This is in response to Kritika’s Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge. Her blog is full of wonderful poems and write-ups which actually connects deeply somewhere. Do check her blog! 😀
The challenge is – “Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge”
My Nomination for Day 2 is Shubadha.
It’s just so bright that it is hurting your eyes. Everybody else is cheering and having fun, taking pride in what so ever they have done, but you don’t like it here. You feel as if you don’t belong here. You were pushed by others around who were blinded by its brightness but still this brightness feels shallower to you than the darkness in which you choose to be in. That darkness is where you want to be though it is not acceptable by the blinded by the bright society.
You start regretting listening to others; your conscience mocks you for not being strong enough to stand up for yourself. You didn’t expect yourself to hate this Bright side of life ‘as people call it’ so much. You are different, you are not the same. You believe that there is life ahead the common calls of brightness and light. You end up just striving and not living.
You remember the days when you were showered with choices, when your family yelled at you and said, “Choose the bright side or just get out of our sight.” You were terrified, you were not ready to let go of everything given to you at your birth.
You sigh at your destiny, yes, it is saddening you. You are getting inside the huge well of depression. Your head is pounding with pain and regret. Now it’s time, whether you live like this all your life or get out and visit the darkness which is surprisingly your light, the light of your life.
After adjusting the camera of his phone for it to record his act of suicide, he was totally set to die. Options were kept ready. There was a chair just beneath the fan on which the rope was tied, he also kept a bottle of rat poison aside and a well sharpened knife was kept inside his pocket, just in case, only if the other two methods fail. He went and stood on the chair, waved at the camera and pointed the rat poison in his left hand and the knife in his right pocket. He then adjusted the rope properly inside his neck; he wanted success in the first attempt itself. Before pushing the chair aside, he started speaking his last words,
“I am dying; I don’t wish to live anymore! I am tired of betrayals and lies; this world is full of selfish, disgusting and ruthless people. I HATEEE YOUUU ALLL, ALL OF YOUU WHO BROKE MY HEART! Till yesterday, I was waiting just for one act of kindness, just one, to change my mind, but No, no kindness at all, In fact, some bastard stole my wallet. My wife cheated on me, at work my co-workers bully me, I want all of your’ll to rot in hell and…”
What timing, he murmured and got down his chair. He went to answer the door-bell for the last time in his life. There stood a courier drop-man; he handed over the package to him. He signed the respective papers and opened the package. Inside the package was his lost wallet. Somebody had bothered to return his wallet back; he stared at the wallet for a while and smiled.
He then went inside his room, just to get ready and leave for his office, but before leaving for his office, he made sure to mail his resignation letter and also to text his wife that he wants a divorce.
While getting inside the elevator, he smirked and said. “Let’s move on”.