Being somebody who likes to be independent is not easy, certainly not easy. Your life is a constant battle between letting yourself fall and holding yourself up strong. There are phases when you feel low, you need somebody to hold your hand and make you believe that everything will be alright but then, during those phases, your pride also pokes its nose in and makes you realize that YOU’RE A STRONG INDEPENDENT PERSON AND YOU DON’T NEED ANYBODY ELSE FOR SUPPORT. Sounds quite a lot right? After all, taking support for once isn’t anything wrong; it will obviously not make you dependent, but in reality, that’s how it feels.
Envisioning the interior of such a person will be overly in contrast with the exterior. The exterior will reflect confidence, their speech will be molded with motivation and their smile will never show any hint of anxiousness but when you dip inside, you will see their fear and their loneliness, fear of being dependent on somebody either emotionally or physically and loneliness because they just cannot give themselves to anybody, It’s either them or nobody for them. Their pride is in being self-sufficient.
The do-it-yourself attitude that they carry makes it perhaps difficult for them to ask for help or for any solutions. It acts like a barrier in their overall growth and development as a person. They cannot fully enjoy the pleasures that the social world delivers as they are way too occupied in trying to fulfill everything themselves. Possibly, this might be the reason why you will rarely see such people sharing their problems or talking their heart out in relation to their feelings and emotions. They fear doing so and it makes them somehow socially handicapped not as a gauche though. We can call them introverts who socialize as extroverts.
They have their counter-factual thinking mostly triggered; they keep questioning themselves that What if? I let myself go and nobody is there to handle and hence, they suffer from trust issues as well, major trust issues in fact. They fail to realize that it’s better to have a life full of ‘Oh wells’ rather than ‘what ifs’.
During those low phases of life, they tend to try and ignore those feelings and focus all of their attention to their goals, the goals that they want to achieve independently. They try to seek motivation from trivial actions of others and eventually they cope up. Though somewhere deep within they feel emptiness, where they crave social relations and understandings. They envy people who can easily open up and are dependent on others at least emotionally.
Never the less, they are a bunch of strong people who strive hard to achieve their maximum potentials and if life works up in their favor, they too certainly find someone to rely upon on. 🙂
After going through my big fat psychology textbook for few long hours, I took a break. I was so full of it. All I needed was a leisure time; I just wanted to adore the surprising February weather.
Lazily, I went and sat on my window sill looking outside and taking in all the little details. There were these group of boys, maybe around 11-12 years old, busy playing basketball in the congested building lot. My eyes were continuously darting on the movement of the ball, how it was bouncing and how those kids were dribbling it. It was worth a sight and that it when I started wondering what it will be like to be a basketball.
It would be a fun experience indeed. Every single thing I did would affect everyone. As many people as I made happy I’d be making equal amounts upset. I wouldn’t just be making shot for Team A, but be putting team B behind as well. There would be no way to please everybody.
Not to mention, I would have no control over myself. Everyone would have a say in where I went but me, I’d be bounced from person to person, rebounding off the floor without anyone so much as thinking about my feelings. Everything would revolve around the goals of whose hands I was in.
I would be helpless and hopeless at the same time.
Ironically, then again, maybe it would be better for me not making any of my own decision; I wouldn’t have to worry about where I ended up or who I was disappointing. All of my actions would be in the hand of somebody else. I would have no control, its true but I wouldn’t be able to blame either. I would be able to just go along for the ride and hope for the best.
But would that really solve anything? Where would I be if someone else got to decide my actions? Will it even be me? Will my existence even count then?
I doubt so, perhaps, how appealing it may sound but our accountability to our actions makes us who we are, we can never leave it behind. We need to carry it and make sure that our actions be something that we wouldn’t regret on later.
There are times when I cannot stop channelizing my flow of thoughts, so precisely for those times I made up this blog!
Also, To improve my language and writing skills. :p