The moisture in my eye stayed there, twinkling as I replayed our journey all this way, all this while. There was a rhythm, a momentum in our entire story, which led to this final ending, as I must say today. The day you finally confessed became my day of good bye, I can’t say what it was but something broke deep within. There was a mild shatter, a hit of realization that I have been pursuing the wrong all this time, the destruction perhaps.
Little did I know that finality has its own way to show, its own distinct style. I had often thought that we were long gone, but the prevailing wound doesn’t seem old and mended. It rather hurts, fresh and obnoxious. Maybe I was lying to myself for so long that it became disguised as truth. The truth that everyone fears, which can be more mind numbing than a dosage of anaesthesia but now that the cloak is uncovered showcasing the withered emotions and feeling, I realize. The magnitude of acceptance is unreal; it is beyond the plethora of my persona.
I look down at my shivering heart as it beats, a little too fast and a little too slow, chaotic perhaps? It is wounded after this battle of triumph and freedom. There will be an escape, I know, but right now, I think I have the right to mourn.
Just like any other day, I walked into my yoga class; with little or no knowledge that I won’t walk out of the class as the same person, that I would be redefined in that period of one hour or so and that I would experience something beyond everything, something so surreal but yet so real.
Everything was same except the yoga teacher; she was new and really petite. As soon as I entered the hall, she held her tranquil gaze on me for more than what is considered average. I gave her a tight-lipped smile. She smiled back; her eyes were still firm on me, making me self-conscious.
She then asked me to relax and what a voice it was! So melodious! I was enthralled for a while but then I forced myself to concentrate. She started the Asana’s and we followed, her diction was a treat to my hearing senses. I was lost in the symphony of her words. She then asked us to proceed to Shavasana, one of the most popular yoga posture as we have to just lie down in it, but definitely one of the most effective. I lied down on my back, assuming myself to be completely relaxed.
But then her soothing voice asked us to consciously relax from our toes to our head, so relax that you stop feeling its presence and my body became the slave of her talks. It just got enveloped in an unusual but powerful energy full of relaxation and comfort, that I stopped feeling myself. It was pure consciousness of being without any feel of my body. It was so wonderful, I was in awe and I was thoughtless for once. Her voice was working as a musical therapy and I was just there listening. She then guided us to sit down in Sukhaasan(normal sitting posture) without opening our eyes, and my body obediently followed her instructions, still thoughtless.
As soon as I sat down, I felt something strike and it was all white, shining crystal white, like a diamond kept in sunlight. The brightness was intriguing, astonishing and captivating. It held me right there, away from the world, it made me realize that the vast ocean that needs to be explored is nowhere but inside. There were subsequent hypnotizing patterns, there were ripples, waves, circles and so much more. My eyes were closed but still it could feel the delightful burn from the blinding dazzle. I don’t know for how long I sat there without the feel of my body with just the bright light igniting me until there was an evident vibrating tap on my head and that is when the bright light faded and my body was awakened.
That was the moment of realization and ultimate bliss. Slowly, I opened my eyes, and I could feel the fresh tears uncontrollably rolling down my eyes. I sat there transfixed, mesmerized and tongue-tied.
My teacher looked at me and smiled, “You felt it right?”
I nodded my head with a subtle smile forming on my tear-stained face, still confused about what I felt.
She came to me and wiped my tears and then, she surprisingly hugged me tight. I cried even more with bliss. It was so overwhelming, I had probably experienced my inner light which I never thought I had and it was so bright, It made me feel the immense potential that I have and the immense energy which is waiting to be tapped.
In my dazed blissful state, the world around me felt beautiful, from the blowing breeze to the dancing trees. Everything was swaying with joy celebrating my inner tour; the birds around me were enthusiastically congratulating me by their harmonious chirping.
At that moment, I was totally in awe with the pleasure of existence.
So, we are back at it? That too after so long…
I thought I got over you way back, dumped you somewhere in the distant past, but you had to come again right, after all, you can’t see me living without a tinge of you, can you?
Your existence has in a way poisoned my existence; it has cut deep bruises inside, the kind of bruise which is invisible but livid and any day more painful than any other gigantic hideous bruise. I don’t get it, I just don’t understand, why do you have to keep resurfacing always? Why do you have to over analyze my actions or criticize me till I feel useless, why?
Why do you have to pounce upon me on every weakness? Why can’t you just let it be for once, accept me the way I am or just simply go away. I loathe your presence around me; I don’t like how I get when you are with me. You play with my mind; you channelize my actions and my flow of thought. You make me feel like an imposter in my own body.
I always feel myself being withheld and being judged when you cloud me. You bring me in this position always, you are scared to let me live and to let me be free. You always capture me when I am going to do something new just to laugh at my abilities. I don’t remember a single time when you have appreciated me, when you gave me a push and a blessing to do something good.
I remember conquering you and bidding you goodbye, but then, you still came back, you keep coming at every opportunity you get, I just don’t get it, will you ever go? I have tried so hard to get rid of you fully and completely. I even succeeded in the past months but here you came back again, just at this one opportunity of weakness and kept reprimanding me for the actions I’ve done all my life.
When I think of you and me together, all I imagine is walking into dark cold forest trying to find me, looking here and there to find something familiar, and then suddenly, there is no ground beneath me and I fall. I fall deep, deep down, I land hard on the damp soil and I can’t see a thing and I am helplessly kicking my legs trying to get out of it or get a grip but I cannot. I’m just lost yet again in this well of suffering, misery, and pain,
And the only question I keep asking myself is,
Will this ever end?