life

One Last Time

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The moisture in my eye stayed there, twinkling as I replayed our journey all this way, all this while. There was a rhythm, a momentum in our entire story, which led to this final ending, as I must say today. The day you finally confessed became my day of good bye, I can’t say what it was but something broke deep within. There was a mild shatter, a hit of realization that I have been pursuing the wrong all this time, the destruction perhaps.

Little did I know that finality has its own way to show, its own distinct style.  I had often thought that we were long gone, but the prevailing wound doesn’t seem old and mended. It rather hurts, fresh and obnoxious. Maybe I was lying to myself for so long that it became disguised as truth. The truth that everyone fears, which can be more mind numbing than a dosage of anaesthesia but now that the cloak is uncovered showcasing the withered emotions and feeling, I realize. The magnitude of acceptance is unreal; it is beyond the plethora of my persona.

I look down at my shivering heart as it beats, a little too fast and a little too slow, chaotic perhaps? It is wounded after this battle of triumph and freedom. There will be an escape, I know, but right now, I think I have the right to mourn.

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Goodbye 2015 :)

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Every year is different in its own way, sometimes you have good years and sometimes you have bad years. Sometimes you have a year that is so mundane it kind of passes you by without having any great effect on anything. Sometimes you have years that are so life affirming that you cannot afford to not pay attention to it.

Earlier this morning, I was trying to arrange the pieces of 2015 in my mind to conclude the year and to give it a tag, whether it was good or bad but then, I vividly remember how my year flew by, it just went, so swiftly and this is totally in contrast with the preceding two years that I had. I still clearly remember parts of 2013 and 2014 impacting my life greatly, changing me in a way I never thought it would. 2015 has been a strange one. It has probably been the most non roller coaster year of my life; it had no great ups or any particular downs. It was just more or less constant. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad, but I feel it was maybe a very necessary pause in my life in which I needed to sort a lot of things out to get everything back in place and to just chill.

I didn’t have any vacation this year but it was relaxing in its own way; I have gone off tangent a lot many times than I thought I would. I have tried so many new things this year. The best thing was that I gave myself a lot of time. I went on treks and cycling trips, I binged on desserts, I read innumerable books, I started my first research project and so much more. It was more like a self pampering year, where you just enjoy every bit of life. I also found my love for baking in 2015, the love which is forcing me to rethink my life choices. What a transition! From being a studious nerd to an aspiring baker, sounds too sad to my parents apparently. As clichéd as this may sound after this very year, I do feel like I know myself better and I feel much more happier.

I didn’t learn any great life lessons this year, so I don’t have anything new to boast about but I learnt just one thing that breaks are necessary for implementing the old life lessons that you have got, where you put everything in line and just enjoy life putting all the complications aside. However, I wouldn’t deny that it doesn’t get boring at times, it does. How much ever one craves for a simple non complicated life, over a period of time we want some complications, some miniscule drama to add some spice in life.

Well, in all honesty, I wouldn’t want 2016 to be anything like 2015, but to be more like a roller coaster taking me on a ride of numerous upswings and downswings, thus making my life a little more interesting perhaps and somehow I know it will be so.

In the end, I wish you all A very happy new year.

The jack of all or The master of one?

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Everything was so distorted but yet so normal that time. It didn’t seem wrong as I didn’t know what was right but then I found you and you made me realize what focus feels like. Your attainment helped me find some clarity in my life and striving for you made me feel so enthusiastic and energetic at the same time. There is clear vision, a sight which I want to cherish all my life. People call you ‘Aim’ or ‘Goal’ but for me, you’re the ultimatum, the destination where I will get the power to be myself and the power to bring about a change.

The path seems tricky but then that makes it fulfilling. It is way too lucid for my mind. I like feeling this way but then, somewhere I miss the adrenaline rush to do something new. To see other paths and visit a few, but then, there is a fear, what if my clarity diminishes? What if I never find a way to get back? What if the running time leaves me behind flowing ahead with the goal of my life? Will I be able to chase it? All these questions bombard inside and make me decide to stay on the safer side until I reach there, the starting path of my dream life.

I can’t help but wonder at times, what would life be like, if I would have the super natural power of doing various things at the same time without compromising on any at any point of time. This thought seems so enchanting and attractive but then, maybe, I will get so busy that I will end up forgetting myself in the midst of doing things. I won’t be able to cherish any achievement or anything because I will know, there is always a possibility of more and more.

Whoever made us is smart in many ways; he thought through and made us this way, where we can either be the jack of all traits or the master of one.

There is no better way, just the hard way

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I don’t want to be cautious, I want to be free. I just want to fly on my own accord to see where I will be. Sometimes when I open my eyes, I see everything that I want to be in ten years down the line in front of my vision, not that my options are closed, but right now some dreams just seem to fit perfectly in the abrupt puzzle of my mind.

Sometimes I fear that my dreams are way too big; will I even be able to fulfill it? There are some who burden me with expectations while the others they charmingly rebuke me with their smartly analysed opinions. I try to avoid them at all costs but at times, they do get inside in any one of my brain lot. It literally itches me as if some bug has bitten me. When it gets way too infuriating, I just use my virtual pest tools to remove them all from my brain rooms.

My pest tools are great; they take me out of so many disdains. They help me to overcome my cynical mindset; they help me in being an optimistic self. I have grown to love them, to cherish and to nurture them. They make me strong, they make me feel worthy and they show me my light which helps me to shine bright. They assist my broad smile to throw confidence which in turns help me to develop into a better self.

They emphasize on my potentials and help me to the polish the same; they make me realize that my power of hard work will make me achieve all that I crave. They also say, to not bother about the pests, rather to just keep up the long haul in silence as my success will make the noises.

DAY 5

This is in response to Kritika’s Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge. Her blog is full of wonderful poems and write-ups which actually connects deeply somewhere. Do check her blog! 😀

The challenge is – “Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge”

My Nomination for Day 5 is Theonlysup.

YAYIE, I successfully completed this challenge. Feeling so proud:D It was not easy to write everyday, I feel so good and accomplished:D

Just fly away

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I feel all almighty and powerful as I hold your freedom in my hand, even though you are meant to fly. Your obsequious behavior is enchanting to me; I certainly can’t set you free. Your wings are my part now; a subtle hold on them makes me strong now, but till when? Till when will I stop you, till when will I cage you? There will be this one day when you will fly off leaving me all by myself.

My heart wrenches thinking the same, the control I have on you makes me feel better about myself. I like the feeling of suppressing, the feeling of being the master of your doings but why do I wish to alleviate this pleasure? It sometimes sickens me but my addiction for the same tricks me to follow it.

The duality of the situation says either I should grasp you much hard or just leave you to fly by your own self, to explore your own world and your own land but then I fear that you will fall, someday hard. Who will be there to pick you up then? I will possibly be long gone.

But then they say, Dangerous freedom is better over peaceful slavery any day.

DAY 2

This is in response to Kritika’s Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge. Her blog is full of wonderful poems and write-ups which actually connects deeply somewhere. Do check her blog! 😀

The challenge is – “Post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or a short paragraph and each day nominate another blogger for the challenge”

My Nomination for Day 2 is Shubadha.

Look at ‘your’ bright side

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It’s just so bright that it is hurting your eyes. Everybody else is cheering and having fun, taking pride in what so ever they have done, but you don’t like it here. You feel as if you don’t belong here. You were pushed by others around who were blinded by its brightness but still this brightness feels shallower to you than the darkness in which you choose to be in. That darkness is where you want to be though it is not acceptable by the blinded by the bright society.

You start regretting listening to others; your conscience mocks you for not being strong enough to stand up for yourself. You didn’t expect yourself to hate this Bright side of life ‘as people call it’ so much. You are different, you are not the same. You believe that there is life ahead the common calls of brightness and light. You end up just striving and not living.

You remember the days when you were showered with choices, when your family yelled at you and said, “Choose the bright side or just get out of our sight.” You were terrified, you were not ready to let go of everything given to you at your birth.

You sigh at your destiny, yes, it is saddening you. You are getting inside the huge well of depression. Your head is pounding with pain and regret. Now it’s time, whether you live like this all your life or get out and visit the darkness which is surprisingly your light, the light of your life.

Life in an Abstract form

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You can see that one way, shining brightly while everything else is dipped in darkness. Your body takes you there and you go with it. You are strolling by your own self admiring the beauty of the lights; you believe that there is something here, something deep. Something that can get you to the answers that you need, something that can solve your mysteries. You keep strolling ahead, looking in all directions. You are mesmerized by the beauty, you cannot decipher what it actually is but you are finding yourself being so deeply attracted to it. You wait for a while, just to take all of it in and then it all starts getting dark, and that’s when your conscience pokes you out of nowhere and asks you the questions you fear the most, It questions your motives, your rationale and your sanity.

You float inside your own self in search of some answers but no, you find nothing, you are just lost. You are losing the battle with your conscience. It’s laughing on you, loud and clear. You can hear it but you cannot bear it. You hold on both of your ears tight just to avoid the cacophony, but you are failing miserably. You get on your knees shouting out to yourself begging for answers, you need to know what made you come here, what is this place and how will go back. You keep shouting louder and louder but the laughter still lingers inside your ear drums. You are trying your best to get a laconic reply; your mind is fully occupied thinking various possibilities in amid of the song possibilities. You shout at your thoughts for recalling the song lyrics at this point of time, but they are involuntary.

You try to calm your senses, you breathe in and out. Calming sensation eases you a bit; you loosen your hold from your ears. The laughter is still there but the intensity is quite low, you can bear it. You smile at this thought faintly and get up, you look around. It is dark; the lights are so dim now! Your perspicacity pushes you forward just to knows what’s this place and beyond. You keep walking; all your senses are highly enlightened, highly circumspect. You are panting, blood is rushing through your veins, and you can feel its warmth. You close your eyes and try to soothe yourself, making yourself believe that you won’t let anything wrong happen to you and you move ahead. Your legs are moving in a sync, you can hear the click clack of your shoes forming a musical rhythm. Your mind is processing so many things at a time, so many questions are erupting. Your conscience is making you realize your mistake, you are understanding it but not regretting it because you know, that you will find a way out. Everything has a way out; there is no full stop to life until and unless you put it there. You fuel up the faith that you have in yourself and then, you feel a sense of pleasure.

You raise your head and hold it up high and you start walking fast, you start looking around in all directions. Your adrenaline is rushing, you can feel it. You can even see yourself coming out of this mess successfully, you keep moving ahead even if your body is giving up and then, really far-off of somewhere you see a light twinkling. You can feel your lips twitching upwards at that moment, all your energy is restored. You know that you can achieve this milestone. You can and you will, you keep walking. You have your eyes glued there, it is getting closer, and you can see it getting bigger and bigger after your each step.

No sooner, you are there, you can see your world. You can see where you belong right in front of your eyes and that’s when you know that EVERYTHING WAS WORTH IT.